Right Now


uvrayRight now?…
 
Right …. Now..
….
 
Don’t know if this is the end, its end.
though, doubtful is all I am of such thinking;
wishful thinking, as the foolishness of chasing fantasies
 
Don’t know if as I lay down as I have each night ..and close my eyes as also has been my doing each night, to await the old companion- sleep, as most have…since birth,.don’t know if this thing ..this ..heinous curse shall be once more…felt as it has been felt for now stretches of nights past
 
Don’t know if when I wake up to the dawn, as I have in the dawns of yesterday, I shall awaken with the ache-[a word that doesn’t even come close to describing what I feel,] … as I have for the past.. [what now seems to be] eons
 
Don’t know if I won’t always consider drowning my sorrows, as so many do, as I have vowed never to do because of my love for Abba, in that hot vile acid-like liquid-alcohol
 
Don’t know if my appetite will fail me all day as it does everyday leaving only knowledge and mind to force me to chew upon that gravel-like tasting food…[everything tastes like gravel]
 
Don’t know if I’ll never know what it means not to writhe in agony in this fallen world
 
Don’t know if this river that I once never knew of, shall always pour out of my eyes as it now does all through, each and everyday
 
Don’t know if I won’t always wonder if there really is a difference between the sorrow of my heart and my heart making its abode with sharpest of metals, embedded deep within and all around
 
Don’t know if at every waking moment, this heart of mine, this bleeding heart, shall cease showing huge painted strokes of red-wounds
Or if every heart beat will always make me wonder if my heart is made completely of shrapnel, exploding on the out breath, imploding on the in breath
Don’t know if it won’t always feel like, as sudden as the flash of lightning, my heart was ripped apart into a million shreds,
yet I do wish it had been ripped out of my chest for then I shall feel nothing, for then, each heart beat won’t be as being repeatedly shot in the chest, knowing intimately the smell of gun powder,
for then, each heart beat won’t be as the heart being repeatedly dipped in titanium
 
Don’t know if my heart can ever be pieced back together to at least bear a tiny resemblance to its former scared surface
 
But right now…
 
Right now there is a…[pseudo] calm
 
Right now the intensity is died down so much it feels like …like i feel nothing..[yet I still feel it]
 
Right now, I can breathe a little..I can breathe a little
 
It’s almost as if Abba, though His presence seems withdrawn, It’s almost as if He let me have..a break from the reality of.. the reality of what it really is to be completely heartbroken, the reality of this world of pain.
 
It’s as if in some way I was being shown that there is hope for a yet future day when the don’t knows cease to be the don’t knows, when this pain would be but a distant, faded memory
 
In a few moments, ‘right now’ will be over and I shall once again lay down and close my eyes awaiting that old companion,
I shall awaken at dawn,
I shall try to breathe,
I shall sit,
I shall stand,
I shall move,
I shall stay still,
I shall…… be…
and… today will become yesterdays and tomorrows
-days of life of pain 
When will the pain end?
 
 
But right now….
 
Right now.. at this very moment…
 
I am thankful for right now 
 
 
 
 
 
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