It is the end of the day…

downloadIt is the end of a day
the sun has set,
the beautiful rays, no more to be seen, no more to be
the night is come
and darkness is all around-seemingly whispering into your ears that… the light…… never was
but you know… you know..and hold on with all might to what you know- that light indeed..was ……and once more shall be
although sometimes, looking round you, being all encompassed by the darkness- darkest gloom,
the light is as but a myth,  a created fantasy…as nothing but a… long forgotten dream
so you forget
you forget
and let the darkness become your reality, the truth you know
and while it is indeed truth, it is and always will be an incomplete truth
for in but a few breaths the light will be once more
its rays kissing your face ever so tenderly
its brilliance, dazzling your world into beautiful wonder
and maybe at first, you think what you feel is a burning and so you fight and resist because…
because you fell for the lie….you believed something that never was…
because you let yourself accept that the gloom was the only truth
but the moment you stop fighting, you see and feel and know the light for all it was and is and always will be- a burning that really is the fire of life
life, coursing through those reds with a vengeance it seems to burn
the light is, the light was, the light will always be

the light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not understood it

oh wow, we lucky creatures are here once more
the end of the day
the end of a year
eagerly waiting
drenched in anticipation of the new day, the new year
not necessarily filled with excitement but simply eager to put this day in the past forever
I have so many things to say, my mind is bursting with all I should have said this year, the ‘writes’-sorts of poems, stories, emotions etc but I call them writes because I don’t think I’m a writer,[the irony since I call them writes] ……but of course, I let laziness and procrastination and fear get the best of me so I failed to say them.
whew! just thinking about them, I feel like I have to say them so I will. Although a lot of it has to do with the sadness this year, and I don’t want it to be like I’m looking back, staying stuck, instead of learning and looking forward, I must write. But the night is here and there is limited time before its end so I shall say them in the new day, the new year.

Anyway, this year…

I think of this year, and my whole being is teeming with….so much…my whole being is ……….
so full… ..[full- the only way I can describe it]
so full that I’m so speechless [part of the reason I haven’t written all I should have]
*long sigh* this year…. oh this year… this year that is just a few minutes from its end…*long sigh*

At the end of last year 2012, I said a lot of things about the then coming new year but what I remember very clearly was me saying this year 2013 will be great, and I knew it would be…special
I think back now and… I cannot disagree with my hopeful assessment of my feelings for the then new year 2013. It has been… a great year.
of a certainty, not great in a way I thought greatness to mean. No.
No, it was so far from what I thought the definition of great would be but nonetheless, no less great
It has been a year of ‘great’ unexpected things. Things I never would have imagined…things I never would have believed, things I never would have expected… that….
ah I’m left speechless but the tears pour out as they have for a while now, even just barely thinking of this year
No this year has been a year of great things- great trials
and testing
and loss
and depression
and regret
and sorrow
and pain…pain I would , could never have imagined to exist

yes it had its moments of truly great happiness unlike anything I ever knew or could have expected but most of it came from the same source that later was to be the source of unbearable pain
but amidst all that, what makes it really great and all that ‘bad’ seem somehow worth it, is that it has been a year of great, truly unbelievable growth.
I’ve grown so much,, much more than all my other years put together
most importantly, I have really grown in God and that makes me smile and warms my….. …heart… even in the face of so much pain

I have learnt so much.
I know people say “don’t live in regret”, “let go of the hurt” …..”move on” they if it was some easy feat
In truth it is far from easy especially if you go through something…deep. It is a struggle. No. It is a battle, possibly the most difficult one life could throw your way and you will lose and fail and fall flat unless you have God. It’s no wonder many people live the way they do. How could they not. The battle is hard..sooo hard and they don’t have God? How could they possibly stand it? A lot of people choose to live in denial that they have escaped, that they have somehow won this battle. Usually all it is, is they lock away their feelings [no doubt till they explode, and they will] but they are still left so wounded, unhealed and deeply empty.
I regret.
I struggle with it along with the pain and hurt. And honestly I haven’t the faintest idea, the slightest clue, let alone an understanding of what people mean by let go and move on, neither do I possess the knowledge of how to accomplish such a feat. [A feat indeed]
I know this is life and the only moving on I know to do is to steadily walk with God, with Abba, and sometimes, or in the case of this year, a lot of the times, to be carried by God, amidst all of the struggles.
It is the only moving on and letting go I can do. Anything else…… is but wishful thinking
I will hurt, I will be in pain, but I will walk with Abba. It is He alone who can release me, my heart from all of the pain. It is He who heals.
But maybe, just maybe, I shall have to walk with Him without the pain ever ceasing, not in this fallen world anyway,
but the day will surely come to an end, the day of life… [the day is but a few hand breaths and then we creatures are no more]
and the hope -, a hope that sustains you in the darkness, hope of a never ending light, a hope of that new world that soon will be, is what inspires you to keep going
so I walk steadily with Him…sometimes having to be Abba till He leads me to this hope of glory

The end of the day is nigh
The dawning of a new one is nigh
I walk with Abba…. one day at a time.

I think one of the truly amazing and most beautiful things I learnt and came to really know for myself this year is that:

Life is beautiful when you walk with Father
Life can be and is beautiful amidst all that seemingly unending suffocating pain, when you walk with Abba
There is truly nothing more amazing and wonderful and unbelievable and beautiful than this truth
Father makes all things beautiful in their own time

Walk with Me child” He says
“Walk with Me.
I long to walk with you. I love you. Always”

2013 was…
it was a truly great year
I will never forget this year, although if you asked me what happened yesterday, I couldn’t actually tell you
but this year was so….
this year left a huge imprint
2013 was a special year
thank you Abba